I Wonder if…

There’s too much thought inside my head. There are moments when I want to shut it off. Too much thoughts about various issues in my personal life and in the world. 

I worry when will my pimples will go away. Shallow thing for those who have not yet experienced cystic acne that won’t go away. Superficial for people whose beauty is innate. I was born without a pointed nose or a small face. What I have is a flat nose that can breathe and a round face with high and wide forhead. To summarize my features, I’m not the type of girl who will make heads turn because I’m stunning— I’m not. I know I’m an average looking girl who sometimes looks like a boy. Ugly for others. Although the pimples will go away (hopefully), I’m no longer sure if the marks it will leave will also fade away easily. See? I could already see where these pimples will go. Treating it is costly. My self esteem is going down already. When will it ever go away? Isn’t it enough that I was born to be an average looking person whose only hope of beauty is having a clear face? This is a punishment. Sometimes it becomes a joke’s topic. I’d laugh out loud but I’m aware pimples are not funny.

Aside from that, sometimes I hope I know the way to be truly rich in a short span of time. Perhaps for other people it’s fool to dream a dream like this. But I’m not dreaming to be rich for myself only. I’m dreaming to be rich immediately because my parents deserve to live well for all the sacrifices they made for me. I want them to enjoy life without worrying too much. I want to pay off my mom’s debt so she could sleep well each night of her life. I want to have so much money to send my parents to credible and realible hospitals and doctors to check their health, to make sure that their body is still properly working and to stop any unseen health issues. I’m tired of hearing them hesitate for their own health and well being. I’m tired of us eating on the same fast food chain and feeling scared of eating on restaurants we’re not familiar with because we doubt if we can afford to eat there. I’m dreaming for them to feel happy and comfortable because at last they don’t need to worry and work too much anymore. I want to be rich immediately because I know my parents are not getting any younger. I want them to experience and enjoy life while they’re still a bit young.  That’s why Lord, I’m begging You not to take them away from me immediately. I want to make them happy first. Help me. I know this isn’t the only way to cherish them but I want them to see that one of their children is successful, that at last they can get out of their debts because of the gifts You have given me. So please, don’t take them away from me yet. Help me become truly rich with a heart to share and help. For people who say, “Money will not but you happiness”, I realized that they’re partly wrong. Money will not buy happiness that lasts but it could be a catalyst. I don’t want to explain it anymore because it’s too obvious that in order to live in this world, you have to have this. Money could be a cause of war not just between nations but between families.

I wonder when will the Lord change my family’s heart and lead it to serve Him. I know I’m not that overly faithful Christian who deserves this type of gift but out of faith I want to believe that before He comes back again, I’d see our entire family worshipping Him with love. I want to see my parents and siblings’ attitude change into a loving and kind one. How happy will I be to no longer hear my parents speak ill of each other or curse either out of joke or anger. How happy will I be to finally see our home full of kindness, support and love. How happy will I be if I’d finally see each one of us praying together and doing devotion as family. How happy will it be to hear only kind and understanding words from each of us… how happy will it be if I’d hear my father truly apologize for all that he did that hurt my mom and us. How happy wil I be if I’d see all of these things that seem impossible become possible because of the Lord. Only then and there will I be excited to know and see the signs that He is coming so soon. But for now, Lord not yet. Please. Save my family. Save us. 

I worry when wil I ever be good at playing instruments and in singing. I feel mediocre. I’m good at many things but not the kind that is so admirable. I make myself believe that I’m already great even when I’m not yet. Then someone will come along way better than I am to slap me in the face that the things I call talent are not really talent but mere half-cooked skills. I wonder what will happen if I’d take the risk of auditioning in talent shows. Will I be able to fulfill my superstar dream? I wonder what will happen if I’d study again and take accountancy. Will it help me to my journey in becoming rich?

I wonder if someone is praying for me to be theirs. I wonder if someone is admiring me from afar and waiting for me. I wonder if I’m worth the wait when I can’t even cook so much decent meals. I wonder when will I get suitors again. It’s been years since I last felt giddiness because I know someone admires and likes me. I miss that feeling but this time I wonder when will I ever meet that man who loves the Lord more than me. I wonder if I’d fall in love and be tied to a decent and wonderful man who truly loves the Lord. I wonder if I’d meet a sincere, bright and funny man whose patience is taller than the tallest mountain in the world, whose kindness, respect and love is bigger than the biggest star that ever lived. I wonder if he’d court my family first. I wonder if my parents would approve of him especially my mom. Will he ever be loved and taken cared of by them? I wonder if my family will be accommodating and hospitable once he goes to our home and ask them if he could court me. 

I wonder when will I ever feel satisfied with my life and not live with jealousy and too much dreams. I wonder if my Spirit could still be revived after all the wounds it has gotten because of not having regular food from the Word and from Christian fellowship. I wonder if I’d ever get to the right job or business where I will always feel contented and excited. I wonder if I’d ever get back to having Saturday and Sunday off. Will I ever be able to get back singing in the choir? Will I ever be able to get back leading GYD? Will I ever be able go get back in leading worship singing? Will I ever be able to get back into being a genuine Christian whose purpose is glorifying God and God alone. There are times when I want to sing for the world to hear and there are moments when I want to lead people into singing songs that will touch their souls and hearts. I dream of being able to show everything that I have in the congregation and inspire them in becoming better people or however way they should be inspired. 

I wonder if I’ll ever get a Saturday and Sunday off or if I’ll be able to smoothly transfer to another department just for me to get it. Will it be a wise decision if ever? 

I wonder what will happen to me or my loved ones. Will I ever become successful while they’re still alive? Will I ever be able to lift them up from the mud we’re in? Will I ever be able to do all my dreams and be happy while my family is still alive and strong? Because it won’t make sense anymore to reach these things without them on my side. Though I always tell people to live and find a goal for themselves, I know deep inside that family’s welfare is always a part of it. 

I wonder if I’ll be able to fulfill all of these and be satisfied. I wonder if someone I know is reading this right now and understands where I’m coming from. I wonder if someone understands me at all. 

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