Running… Catching Time

I’m afraid of many things and maybe that’s one of the reasons why I missed doing some stuff that I should’ve tried doing years ago. But what scares me the most is losing my… parents. 

I’m scared not because I’m too young to lose them but because I can see everyday that they’re growing old. There’s something in my heart that aches whenever reality hits me and when I say “whenever” it means every single day especially when they’re sick.

There’s a lump in my throat that I push down every time the thought that one day they might be gone comes. 

I’m scared.

There are times when they can no longer hear us clearly that we have to repeat ourselves

There are times when they chatter to much on what to do that it sounds annoying.

There are times when they get sick. And it’s not the kind of sickness that goes away for the longest time possible. Their sickness is recurring. 

Their body is now aching whenever they do their usual job that used to be so easy for them.

They’re getting old but they still do the same thing for us. Their body is getting old but their hearts and souls are still the same for us. They still take care of us like they always will. They’re still the type of parents that one will be scared of losing. 

I’m scared whenever I realize that I’m running out of time. 

I’m scared that I haven’t brought them yet to the places that they haven’t been to because they were busy taking us to the places where we are standing right now.

I’m scared that I’m running out of time. I haven’t brought them yet in fine restaurants for them to try food that we don’t usually eat because they’ve been busy saving to make sure that all of us will eat three or more meals a day.

I’m scared that I’m running out of time to say and make them feel that I’m so grateful I still have them, that whenever I have the chance, I beg in prayers for the Lord to not take them yet because I don’t know if I can handle losing them. I still want to hug them randomly and tell them I’m really thankful for everything, for the sacrifices and love, for the advices that I sometimes push away because it’s repetitive, that I’m sorry for all the times that I took them for granted and that I love them so much that it hurts me losing them even inside my wild imagination.

There was never a day in my life when I felt unloved by my parents. There was never a day in my life when I felt they didn’t stand for me. There was never a day in my life when I felt I wasn’t being taken cared of properly. There was never a day when I didn’t see my parents struggle just to give us a comfortable life. It’s so scary to lose them because I know that there was a day in their lives that they felt one of these things and I didn’t notice.
I’m so scared that I’m running out of time to give them all the tangible and intangible things that they deserve but I’m scared that if I’m running out of time, how much more them?

I love you Mama & Papa. 

Live long please. 

// jbc 280617

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